If
by mushimio92
Summary: This is a story of Roy Mustang and in his point of view, his life and experiences. Hope you all will enjoy this story as much as how i enjoyed writing it.
1. Chapter 1

**If**

I was that scruffy kid, dark haired and dark eyed puny little boy. The alley was my home, and cardboard 'houses' was good enough to live in. Needless to say, I did things that I was not proud of then; stealing and sneaking around in order to obtain food and water. Those were decent people I had targeted; however in my case; I had no time to bother with morals. I had to survive and I would do anything to survive.

I could still remember that fateful day, I was living in my 'house' which was made up from spare pieces of cloth and mountains of tough and sturdy cardboard. And as dawn was breaking over the horizon, I knew it was time to head out to work; in a way that was an embarrassment to society. Yet; I was sure something was wrong deep inside my body and no matter how much I was suppressing the intense aching within. I was defeated, as I lay there on the white snow ground; I heard soft footsteps coming down the alley I was in. Slowly, the image faded away though I was sure vaguely it was a pair of blue eyes I saw.

It was believed to be the end of my existence and truthfully, I embraced the fact of my fading away; from a world which I do not trust. I had not started living, so what was there to be afraid of death…

**If…fate was not kind enough, I might have really perished within the flames of coldness. The key to my new life was the pair of blue eyes I had seen. She saved my life, her and her wonderful partner. **

I was still that scruffy kid, dark haired and dark eyed puny little boy whom had grown two inches; and was also proud to say that I had just turned seven. Three days ago, I woke up to a surprise; a present from them. As excited as any kid would be; I pounced on the gift tearing apart the wrapper and blue ribbon. When I reached to the bottom of the confetti; I found myself looking at a pair of white cotton gloves. I remember the itching sensation running through my brain to my two shaking hands as I put the comfortable material on. It was warm, and was gentle on my skin. I had to show them, the match of their present on me. I raced down those beautiful wooden stairs, heart pounding wildly as I turned a corner to the kitchen where I knew they would be in.

My adoptive parents, the Mustangs; the owners of those gracious kind blue eyes and this lovely mansion I was brought into to be loved and cared for; sprawled across the floor laying in their own pool of blood. My heart stopped for that one second as I took in the horrific sight before regaining strength to call someone for help.

The 'help' arrived quickly and took care of the bodies while I was pulled away by a governor to a corner of the house to calm down or to ease my nerves; I wouldn't know. All I did was to hide in a shell and pretend that everything was alright. They asked many questions, some relevant while others were less friendly. I was not the Mustang's real heir; I was a kid they adopted from the streets because of pity; where would the riches go if they passed. In such a situation, who was the prime suspect? It was such an obvious and easy answer…

Coldness was a good word to describe the emotions I was feeling then as they placed a seven years old kid in custody. For nights, I was trying to forget scenes, waking up in sweat as nightmares of their death began to haunt me while huddling in the grey cell waiting; and waiting.

I might have been broken, as the nights went on days, weeks and months. I scoff at release and justice, and to the 'help' I was mere garbage. As the third month went by, a guard told me that I would be released from custody very soon, I stared at the man before looking away to the distance; I do not care where they are making me go now.

It was surely to be an orphanage, and if that happened; I will escape. The streets were a much better place to live compared to a metal cage. That was what I told myself silently day after day.

But how far could I run before nightmares catches up?

The white gloves glowed under the moon light that light up even darkness as a distant memory rose, regarding my 'mother' and me talking one day under the same half moon which hung in the sky.

"Roy, have you ever thought of the possibility of running forever?"

"No one can run forever, they will get tired…"

"Not exactly, if you have unlimited strength; you might be able to keep running for as long as you like."

"Why do you want to run?"

"In order to get away from nasty and scary stuff, such as your school work?"

"I mean; if you have unlimited strength then you can beat the person hurting you!"

"…With unlimited strength, you might want to make friends with the person or things that are hurting you."

"Huh? Why?"

"Well, isn't it better to make friends then enemies?"

"No, doesn't sound good to me."

"Ah well, Roy is still young just like a little flower. Once you grow up and see the world, your thoughts might change."

"Flower? I'm a boy!"

"What's wrong in calling my boy a flower, is just a nickname."

"B…bcos! I'm a boy! Boys and flowers just don't go together!"

"Hmm… How about **Ignis**?"

The gloves were close to my chest, as my eyes began to burn madly, even my heart was beating quickly.

**Ignis** was the French word for flame, fire and beacon of light. I was that small light which came into her life, into the lives of the Mustangs and their childless fate.

I was in that exact situation which she had talked about, her words of unlimited strength to run away forever and to make friends with the things which was frightening me.

Will I use strength to run or to stay and attempt to make friends with my fears and guilt?

I was afraid of losing the people I loved, and immensely guilty as I was not able to protect them…

I need courage… and the white gloves were that strength…

**If…I had run away; I would not have met the person who gave me hope. If I had ran away from the orphanage, he would not have appeared and take me in; to be his student. I found the answer to strength; it was indeed a powerful tool. With it, no one will have to lose loved ones without putting up a decent fight. I believed it was the truth I was seeking, that is why I stayed to learn… **

I was no longer that scruffy kid who had black hair and dark eyes, though my hair was still in a mess; I was decently handsome for an age of eight half and was taller than the other kids in the area. In order to be significantly less targeted from the neighborhood bullies, I went by the name Ignis and proving my strength by a powerful tool which is known as alchemy.

An ability to break down materials to make new ones of equal value and mass, change the appearance of initial to a new one. And I was taught by the Master of alchemy himself; Berthold Hawkeye; the eccentric and estrange alchemist. To be a little boastful, I was talented in this field. Was this strength I was searching for?

In the house of the Hawkeyes, there was the Master and his daughter; six years old; Riza Hawkeye and a nine year old; Kcarl J Fluorite. He was the Master's first pupil and also the governor of his house. To say it in crude terms, Kcarl was a servant of the home. Though saying so, I had no problems being with Kcarl; never once I had though he was a servant instead he was a companion and a collaborator in some sneak like plans we come up with from time to time.

Riza Hawkeye on the other hand, was a quiet girl. She hardly talked or spoke to me, though she can be loud if she was forced to. For example; chasing us from our den to have lunch or dinner, she was a tough cookie but timid at times. She had ember colored irises, they were not blue but they radiate the same kindness that my parents had. It was probably the friendship she had with us that created a soft spot within both Kcarl and my heart.

The den was actually a shed built by Kcarl, to host weekly meetings and discussions. We often talked about alchemy and the power it holds for the world. It was similar to a container filled with our dreams and hope. Riza did not understand the significance of the shed and often put in feminine touch to our den. It was not a big deal, but being boys, we had a thing against her actions. We were living together in that gloomy looking house for years, and it seemed as though nothing was able to break into our style of living. However nothing stays the same for long and it was probably that incident which made me view strength in a different perception.

It was a bright and humid day, and the three of us were planning a trip to a wooded area just behind the house. It was supposed to be a 'family' picnic, though as usual Master Hawkeye refused the offer and retreated back to his lab in the basement. It was a long hike through the forest, long enough for both Kcarl and I; to stop in our tracks; insisting for a break. I admit; it seemed as though we were weaklings but it was not an easy feat to walk with the bags were hauling along and part of what we were carrying was Riza's was no way we would call it unfair as we were the ones who offered to help.

I was gulping down large amount of water, when I heard a piercing scream. It was not the scream which gave me chills, it was the familiar voice. I had a second to spare as Kcarl and I exchanged terrified looks, before tumbling and rushing towards to where the scream had emitted from.

** If…I had known, this would probably not happen…**


	2. Chapter 2

**If ****Chapter 2**

**Strength was a tool, to protect the people who I cared and loved. It was power to not lose them again; I would never ever forgive those who tried to hurt them. That was the courage I was bent on obtaining, one that allows friendship of fears and guilt. **

I was no longer a scruffy little boy who had black haired and dark piercing eyes.

I was an alchemist who had power, an unlimited key that opens many doors.

Two years had gone away, and my parents' death was buried seven inches deep within my mind.

Nightmares had stopped; just as what I expected. However, fear and guilt was growing, the fear of losing my new family was haunting me now.

Power, I need strength to fight against those who bring evil and darkness to my world.

**Is this what I truly need? **

Kcarl rushed ahead, towards the source of her screams while I tried to keep up alongside him. Every bone in my body was shaking furiously, with fear and apprehensiveness. We came to a forest clearing soon enough, and what we saw forced us to skid to a hurried stop.

It was a group of teenage boys patrolling the clearing, some of them sat while other stood around, we stepped out from the hedges and trees which covered our tracks. They seemed to have been waiting for our arrival as they peered in our direction without any sign of surprise or twitch. Kcarl was a few steps ahead of me; he glared at the boys while I scanned the area for her.

She was sitting or crouching, I had no idea. I could not see her face, but I could tell she had been crying. Thankfully, she did not seem to be hurt, though visibility shaken.

Kcarl shouted across the clearing, he sounded furious and forceful as he insisted on knowing what was going on and why she was being targeted. In that one minute I did not expect to hear a reply, however a sharp voice spoke out.

"Do you think you are strong enough to defeat all of us, Ignis…?"

His voice ran through the veins of my body like ice, a sharp head throbbing memory hit the back of my head as quickly as the sentence had finished. I had said that once, before; it was around three weeks ago… Finally I realized where I had seen that boy.

They were the bullies around the area, and I was there to witness their brutality. Picking on someone smaller sized then they were, I would not ever stood against this type of injustice if I had not have alchemy on my side. Being courageous, I saved that little boy who lived in the alley. At the same time, I tried to frighten off the pair of bullies with words which rose like a snake rising to strike deep within me.

"I am strong enough to defeat the two of you! You have three seconds to leave!" The pair of bullies ran away just like how scared puppies do, with their tails between their legs. I was victorious, that was courage then, and now; that was stupidity.

Reality hit strongly into my own consciousness, this happened because I had tried to protect the little kid and I had provoked the enemy.

I felt my legs drawing away, there was no way we could fight them now. We were outnumbered by a dozen, and they had a hostage. No words ever left my mouth, Kcarl on the other hand had already moved in front of me; behaving like a shield extending his arms out.

"Hey, there is no need to behave this way…" he said drawn out and slow, he peered back and at that moment I caught his eyes. He nodded slightly, I understood his signal; and this was not a time to space out either. I waited battled breathe for his move.

Kcarl was drawing something on to the soft sand below, and it was a simple alchemic circle. At that point, I knew that we were fighting our way out; in order to save ourselves. Isn't that what power was for? Not to back down from a fight but pull through all odds and come in victorious?

"Now!" I heard Kcarl shout out and as planned I dodged out from behind him, without giving second thought; I dashed with all the might I could pull out towards to the short stumpy boy which was watching over the captive. Everything happened quickly, the ground cracked as it shot towards the leader of the group. Blue blots of crackling electricity could be heard; I turned back for a second just in time to see mounts of earth and dirt racing towards the ground of boys.

It was a feat which I could not pull; Kcarl was much skilled in practical alchemy compared to my mere talents. Loud thuds could be heard as mounts slammed into nearby trees, causing their roots to be pulled from the ground.

We ran frantically towards where Kcarl was; I refused to let my grip on her arms go before reaching to safety.

I ran passed Kcarl who was still busy, sending attacks across the clearing. Most of the boys had scattered and ran into the forest to hide while some unfortunate ones were trapped by fallen trees and branches. It was their plight which caused me to halt, Kcarl was unrelenting but if he pushed more trees over; the weight might harm those boys seriously.

"Kcarl! Enough already! We should go now!" I hissed, only when I met his eyes when I realized something was terribly wrong…

"Stop!" I insisted, with all the strength available I pushed Kcarl aside, stopping the transmutation. "You will kill them!" I added in, truthful opinions and horrified thoughts.

He was on the ground, while I stood next to him; stunned for a second what I had done.

A loud crack pulled me away from thoughts and words to immediate horror, a large and seemingly old pine tree stood crocked to a side; tilted fast in an angle which bolds no good.

There was four boys and one girl trapped, courage found me at that right moment.

My own bolts of blue light raced towards to the trapped, and a small earth dome rose from the ground; it was a shelter. It formed quickly over them, just in time before the tree had collapsed.

I heard her terrified scream echo throughout the forest…that was the last sound I would hear of that fateful evening.

**I saved the people who were trying to hurt us, was it strength which saved me? Power as a tool, in order not to lose anyone else again; I believed in that. But I stopped, I did not go all out to hurt the people who wanted to harm us; and because of that move I might have let them go free to bully others. Why couldn't I do it? Why did I save them? What is that feeling I felt at the last moment…? **

The kids of the Hawkeye house returned safety home, thanks to a group of hikers of the same forest that day. They rescued the kids who were trapped by trees and called 'help' to bring both Kcarl and me to the nearby hospital. We suffered scratches and bruises and twisted ankles, nothing big that boys like us could not handle. We might have escaped with our lives, but even that could not bring back the fact that we caused Riza, to suffer…

It was shock which sealed her memories about that day, she could not remember what that had happened; and we did not want to tell her about it. Such things would be better being kept as secrets; Master Hawkeye on the other hand showed little concern to our injuries or to her memory lost. It did not stop him from retreating even deeper to the depths of his labs in the basement.

The bullies were caught and they had confessed to their mischief and bullying ways; they were in reformative school. Most of them were, but not all. Some came looking for revenge, though we always seem to manage their threats pretty well. Kcarl and I settled business outside of town, usually in the nearby ravine or streams.

For those few months, I was caught up in my beliefs. My confused thoughts might have disappeared, and was being replaced by the constant hunger for power. I needed more power in order to beat down fear and guilt; it was my way of securing my soul to my body. I could not think of any other reason why I needed strength…even though I wished there was…

And it was in that particular ravine where I had my first conversation with Riza, that made me think once again.

The incident had not passed, and it would not ever leave me; it was a reminder of my reckless behavior – provoking the enemy. I was filled with strength and yet, that moment in the clearing I felt like running away and get 'help' instead of fighting… Why…?

"It is also courage, to be able to leave from a fight."

"…"

"Strength does not mean power."

"Power will give me strength to fight for the people I wish to protect…"

"And yet, you hesitated… Strength is not to be used to fight but it is to protect."

"I need to fight to protect."

"No, you don't… If protection meant not using violence, it is a much greater strength and is the strongest power one can ever get."

"I don't understand…"

"Fights are not to be fought blindly but with strategy… someone used to tell me that… but I have already forgotten who it was…"

Stomach grumbles a little and I blushed considerably; she gave a small grin before pulling herself up from the rocky ground.

"Let's go home, before it turns too dark, okay?"

**I would never forget that talk we had, her words to protect instead of fighting to win; opening my eyes to fight instead of hurting other blindly. Even though she had no idea what I was referring to that day as her memories had been sealed within darkness; she had given a path of light for me to follow. **

**Maybe my beliefs weren't everything I thought it would be, strength and power were probably two different things I was searching for. **


End file.
